On Saturday, I completed The Magic of Thinking Big by David Schwartz, a phenomenal book regarding positive thinking patterns and real-life examples of success and failure. My mind swam with ideas, and I sought to transcribe the book's many teachings and my resulting thoughts. After ten or so minutes, I wrote the following (courtesy of a few high school students who lent me paper and a pen at Starbucks):
1. No more sarcasm! It only breeds contempt and negativity.
2. The weather is always fantastic! Complaining about weather patterns is as common as birds and only works to set off a negative firestorm.
3. You're always "pretty awesome"! No more "alright," "okay," or "could be better." What you say and how you feel go hand-in-hand.
4. Never talk negatively about people! Tough one, but no matter how much you dislike someone, don't talk head. It doesn't do any good, makes you more upset, and makes you seem disloyal and dishonest.
5. Have high standards... in yourself, not others. It's important to demand much out of yourself - hell, it's a requirement. But don't demand perfection among others. They all have faults just as you do and there's no need to correct them... if you are even correct at all. If you can't stand certain individuals, you are free to find new friends. But don't stay there, get mad at them, and then complain.
6. No more complaining! [Corrupt text] If everyone in the world were just like me, it would be awfully stubborn and negative. I admit I have my positive qualities, but I'm focusing here on improvement, not celebration.
7. Stop giving advice! It makes people think you're a "know-it-all," who judges everyone. This one needs some extra attention.
I felt quite satisfied when I threw my pen down because it's always better to write out thoughts - your ideas become real, and it forces your mind to focus. It's a little crude, but I designed this checklist to be direct and unapologetic.
Coming to Taiwan, I didn't really know anyone. Sure, my Mother had a few friends in Taipei who helped me settle in - but they're much older and busier. It's pretty much just me. And since I've arrived, many people asked if I felt lonely or needed a friend. This post serves to compile my thoughts and better answer this question.
"I Can Make Friends."
I'm not going to lie and say it's easy to make friends - it really isn't. Creating new friendships require an individual to constantly challenge themselves, demonstrate social awareness, and become vulnerable to embarrassment and rejection. However, with finding friends, there remains many options and degrees of difficulty.
With a passive approach, one maintains a sit-and-wait mentality. They hope for a brave, well-connected soul to come their way, invite them out, and open doors for them. Obviously, it's a lot of fun when it happens - the passive method, however, focuses solely on this type of interaction.
An active approach requires more skill and courage - again, to varying degrees. For example, it takes initiative to find language exchange partners, meet friends-of-friends, or socialize with people in the same school or organization. The beauty of these networks lie in the common interests of the acquaintances-to-be. People in these circles already have similar goals or - especially in the case of friends-of-friends - possess some social proof.
Clearly, the most difficult approach involves meeting complete strangers. It takes bravery to open that conversation, skill to continue the interaction, and skill AND charisma to build rapport. From that point, one becomes exposed to the desires and actions of the potential friend. Does this person want a new friend? Will they call you back? Is he/she trustworthy? Where do you rank in this person's network? Will he/she abandon you? Etc.
My style - or steez, if you will - combines all three. But I emphasize on the hardest because I recognize that that path develops friends and, more importantly, character. Overcoming obstacles and desensitizing myself to failure will cultivate a spirit that may reap success in the future.
"What's Wrong With Being Alone?"
I like being alone. It affords you an opportunity to relax, ponder big questions, and develop yourself. Enormous leaps of self-improvement are only possible when you take time to dig within, see yourself truthfully, and develop remedies.
I like being with friends, as well. But I also understand the potential and beauty of aloneness.
However, I notice a tinge of pity when people ask:
"Do you have friends in Taiwan?" "Do you eat by yourself?" "Did you go to ________ by yourself?" ...
To those people: I understand your concern for my well-being, and I appreciate the sympathy, but you are lamenting a situation that isn't even a problem. There is nothing wrong with doing things by yourself. In fact, oftentimes, it demonstrates confidence; you do the things YOU want, with or without company. You won't let anything stop you - THAT exemplifies boldness. Traveling alone:
"...I've found is a great way to immerse myself in my surroundings. Without a partner, I have complete independence, which inspires me to meet people and find experiences that I normally wouldn't have sought." - Rolf Potts, Vagabonding
Being Alone
So what is it like being alone? Is it boring? Quiet? Uncomfortable? Honestly, I cannot confine the sensation in a few words. I will say this:
This morning, as I enjoyed a bowl of congee inside a small, cozy, open-air restaurant, I sat quietly, gazing at the falling rain. I felt the cadence of the raindrops as it drummed the leaves and branches and dripped upon the old, metal roof. I savored the sweetness of the air; the rain washed my soul much like it cleans the Earth. And relaxing here - at this moment - I came to realize I only require me, myself, and I to experience such beauty and tranquility.
It's a simple as that. Twenty-one days. No complaints.
Wear a bracelet - or in my case, a blue rubber band - and move it from wrist to wrist after every complaint. The goal is to go twenty-one days without one. Of course, this isn't my idea; a Kansas City minister named Will Bowen founded the project, and I happened to read it in The 4-Hour-Work-Week by Timothy Ferriss. No matter the origins, I agree this is brilliant.
For those who know me, it is obvious I complain entirely too much. And I must be stopped. It's time to take an active, visible approach to self-improvement.
FYI, I started on Friday and switched wrists about twenty-plus times since then.
As I sit here admiring the beauty of the Longshan Buddhist Temple and the presence of its numerous, well-endowed visitors, I wonder just how many of us truly exemplify the values and lessons of the Buddha - the belief that the root of all suffering is desire and that we are to walk through this Earth residing always in the present moment.
How many of us really REALLY understand the Buddha's sacrifices? His foregone material desires? His bravery? His courage? I heard he abandoned his status of royalty to find enlightenment in the forests. It is one thing to say, "Yeah, I'm a Buddhist." It's quite another thing to actually be one.
In this postmodern age, it is increasingly apparent that we are farther from these Eternal Truths than ever before. Although I would not say a reversal isn't possible, it seems rather unlikely anytime soon. Maybe, in this way, I can take a lesson from the Buddha: break out of my eggshell and be free.
I never met him, but I don't think the Buddha cares if we go to temple or burn a million incenses... for a life not awake is a life not lived and humanity still endlessly suffers.
Look up "Formosa" in a Portuguese dictionary. Smile.
The tiny, mountainous island of Taiwan is full of history, gorgeous sights, and a rich culture. While there are many exciting urban areas, the nation boasts stunning and serene natural treasures. It captivated my heart two years ago when I visited my aunt diagnosed with breast cancer.
After my teaching contract ends, I'll return to Los Angeles for rest and reverse-culture shock, then head to Taipei, Taiwan. I'm not sure what I'll be doing, but it'll likely be a mix of learning Mandarin, teaching English, and looking for financial work.
"So, first of all, let me assert my firm belief that the only thing we have to fear is fear itself — nameless, unreasoning, unjustified terror which paralyzes needed efforts to convert retreat into advance." - Franklin D. Roosevelt, 1932 Inaugural Address
We're all afraid of something; you'd be lying if you said you weren't. Certain people or certain actions can paralyze us with fear, shyness, self-doubt, or any other cocktail of negative and destructive emotions (shaken, not stirred). How can we conquer this inner demon and touch the freedom that awaits on the other side? How can we triumph in the face of fear?
Well, I don't claim to be a spiritual guru who lives in the purity of constant inner-peace - far from it. I am, however, a normal-ass guy who, from time-to-time, deals with doubts, insecurities, and the overall feeling of fear, but has several methods to cope with these feeling. Here how I do it.
Put Yourself In Position
"80 percent of success is showing up." - Woody Allen
Move toward your fear. Get yourself close.
One of my main sources of fear is talking to random, attractive women that I don't know. [Pause for laughter] For me, there are few things more frightening then walking across a busy coffee shop, store, subway station, etc. and striking up a conversation with a lovely and unsuspecting female. It's hard to describe the feeling of a million eyes staring at you. The fear of rejection and ridicule is enormous.
But how do I approach these women again and again? What secret do I use?
I put myself in position for success.
Maybe I walk over to the adjacent area. Maybe I look at a book in a nearby shelf. Maybe I sit on the same row of chairs. Regardless, I force myself to move to the area where success can be achieved! In this "zone of success", my girl of interest and I can still talk. Even if I don't say anything, she could ask me for directions, the time, or a plethora of other nonchalant conversation-starters. Hell, this has happened to me numerous times. One may argue, "But you didn't DO anything!"
....didn't I? Uncomfortable Comfort
"If you want to improve, be content to be thought foolish and stupid." - Epictetus
Get out of your comfort zone. Push it hard, and push it now. Nothing is going to help a person who is afraid to challenge themselves.
Aristotle once wrote, "We are what we repeatedly do..." With that logic, if you repeatedly get out of your comfort-zone and regularly perform fearful challenges, you will become adept at risk-taking. Fear will not be the obstacle it once was. Fear will be a bigger has-been than Vanilla Ice.
How do you challenge yourself?
Practice doing things that cause a little embarrassment. Start off small. These activities gets your adrenaline rushing, your blood pumping, and keeps your mind sharp.
Tim Ferriss, author of The Four-Hour Work Week, mentioned that Cato the Younger wore "darker robes than was customary and [wore] no tunic. He expected to be ridiculed and he was, he did this to train himself to only be ashamed of those things that are truly worth being ashamed of."
I talk to strangers to get out of my comfort zone. It supplies me with a lot of stories and experience (and a lot of numbers, hehe). I never know how they're going to react, yet I push through anyway. Hell, I have a Hello Kitty charm/subway card on my cellphone. Useful? Sometimes. Gay? Maybe. Trendy? Hell yes.
Notice, though, in these examples that they don't do things JUST to be different.
They do it to be better.
You're Not The Only One
History is filled with millions of people who faced their fears to attain success. Read their story. Learn from them. Be inspired.
There's not much to say here. The rest is up to you.
My favorite quote on courage.
"Courage is being scared to death, but saddling up anyway." -John Wayne
*I'm still afraid of spiders, though.... I'm not even going to TRY to conquer that fear. =P
I have a Sunday ritual I perform every week – or, at least, try to perform: I gather my laptop and some accessories, pop them in my backpack, head out, and try to find a Starbucks to use some free internet and find a job.
I’ve been doing it for about four months now.
No luck yet, but these trips offer a fascinating look at Koreans; their behaviors, what they want, and what they want others to think they want. Floating in a sea of self-photography, compact mirrors, and cell phones, I read a book (right now, Children of Jihad, which is a pretty sweet book I must say), upload resumes, and try my best to remain sane. Unfortunately or fortunately for me – I haven’t decided which, yet – my genetics do a pretty damn good job of making me look Korean. I don’t get the stares, comments, or cheery “hellos” that my other colleagues do, but I do get an opportunity to live in Korea and see their citizens in their “natural habitat.”
Korea has an interesting dynamic, which can starkly contrast the American way and, at the same time, seem markedly similar. In my attempt to find a Western outlet to do some work, I find many young and middle-aged Koreans performing their own differing rituals. While at one end, you find Koreans studying with a laptop and textbook like at any university throughout the world; on the other, you will find Korean couples wearing their most-stunning Sunday attire, taking photos of themselves and their friends with cell phones, digital cameras, and DSLRs. People go to hang out, eat cake, try on jewelry, and actively participate in the Korean lifestyle.
What is this lifestyle? Who participates in it? And why Starbucks?
Koreans are an extremely image-based society. The opinions of others will often trump their own beliefs and desires, leading to a culture where most people – or those intent on living it – will live the same lives. High-heeled shoes (yes, shoes) are a strong representation of this mentality. In a society where image is everything, women try to look their best at all times. But this often results from societal-based norms and pressures.
Many months ago, I ate lunch with a friend who attends Ewha Women’s University in Seoul. She and I met while I was in San Diego, and we decided to catch up during my time in Korea. I couldn’t resist asking her what she missed about America, what she missed about Korea, and her comparisons of the two. I still remember her saying, “I miss wearing flip-flops.”
“Really? Flip-flops?” I asked.
“Yeah, I could wear them anywhere.”
“Can you wear them here?”
Apparently not. In Korea, she explained, women can frequently find themselves victims of random criticism when wearing flip-flops or other types of plain shoes. As a result, girls often wear high-heeled shoes to class. But the classroom is not the only place: Korean women can be found hiking local trails and mountains with these shoes. The only thing that comes to my mind is an Achilles injury from taking on a few of these mountains wearing pink, rhinestone-encrusted, pumps.
This Korean lifestyle isn’t just for college students; you can easily find the young and old contributing to this culture. Whether it’s a pre-pubescent teenager fixing herself in front of a reflective surface or an older adjumma bathed in powder and mascara, it’s evident everywhere. Today, I find it in one of the more, iconic Western establishments in this Eastern megalopolis.
“I always wondered why apartment names are always in English,” my friend, Minseo, once asked while at a sleepy park in Incheon. We were surrounded by several developing condominiums, each one advertising their unique English name. But in a country that is two-percent foreign (over half of whom are from China), it may seem rather strange that locals are bombarded with and forced to adopt a different language. Yet, the reasoning behind this is simple: the Korean elite embrace English things.
In Korea, fluency in English is highly-regarded and often symbolizes intelligence. Certain organizations will use a candidate’s level of English to help determine their overall ability. Students from Seoul’s Yonsei University frequently mentioned that major corporations require high scores on English exams, even for positions where the language is never used. This obstacle trickles down to young adolescents, whom dedicate countless hours to prepare for their inevitable examinations.
This quest for English-mastery is found in late-night academies packed with youngsters hoping to outperform their peers; it is seen on the subways where people, young and old, bury their faces in vocabulary books and pocket dictionaries; it is heard on the radio and television where pop stars and TV programs force little bits of English into an otherwise Korean affair; even more discreetly, it can be found in the clubs and bars where foreigners become highly sought-after commodities. Starbucks is merely a symbol for what Koreans desire and hope to achieve.
